Chest Cold

"And next to audition is Jill Sargeant!"

Jill walks in, wheezing and blowing her nose. She plops down her battery powered amp and microphone but...where is her ukulele!? She doesn't have it!

"Hi everybody," Jill whispers into the microphone, "I've been really looking forward to this audition. But I have a chest cold. And can barely speak," Jill sneezes into the microphone, "so here ya go."

Jill plugs her phone into the amplifier.

"This is what I sound like when I can sing."

Jill presses play, and stares down the audience in all-over-body agony, while a pre-recorded song she covered plays through the speakers. The audience is silent. The judges look around, whispering amongst themselves.

"What?" "Who is this?" "No one has ever done this before!" "Poor thing!" "This audition does not count!" "Let's give her a chance! She's not half bad!"

Suddenly, the internet cuts out. Her song stops playing. Jill sits there, humiliated, her future ruined by a buffering symbol. The crowd starts to boo.

"I dare say we've seen enough, Jill Sargeant!!" an old man in a curly white judge wig shouts. He must be the main judge.

The crowd starts throwing tomatoes and dead squirrels at Jill. She exits, soul crushed and amp ruined by all the tomatoes. 

"You'll never work in this town..." the wig-wearing main judge says to her, giving her the stink eye.


I read somewhere that if you're anxious about something, you should describe every detail of the worst-case scenario, and it'll probably end up kind of funny. And you won't be so anxious about it. I guess that was my worst case scenario. But it aint too far from the truth. My audition for Music Under New York is TOMORROW and I woke up essentially voiceless. What was just a stuffy nose yesterday turned into a congested chest and borderline dry cough overnight. YIPPEE!!!!

I've been consuming various beverages for the last 10 hours, from tea to vinegar to ginger-cayenne pepper drink. I've been inhaling any and all steam I can get my hands on (my...nostrils on), taken whatever supplements you were about to suggest to me, and done TWO nasal rinses. I even bough Vix VapoRub which doesn't do anything but leave a waxy residue on your chest and embarrass you when you ask the employee at the grocery store, "Do you guys have Vix VapoRub?" in the lowest man-voice a person can have. She made me ask like four times because she couldn't hear me. I had to shout "VIX VAPORUB" in my man voice around other young people in the grocery store! Young people!!!!!!

I took a bath and a nap and an excedrin. I have literally 12 tabs open on my browser, each one an assortment of home remedies and "how to get over a cold" advice. I have thought the phrase, "Vintage Music Man shirt, give me strength" at least seven times today.

I'm racing with the clock here, and I'd feel pretty stupid if a dumb old clock beat me in a race.

So I will just keep inhaling steam and swallowing echinacea until something good happens. I am GOING to cough all this gross stuff up or be very frustrated trying!!! So there!!!!!!!!!!

Here's a quick pic of me: